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Saturday, September 09, 2000

Sick Boy

There’s something entertaining about being mildly ill. As I sit here writing this, it’s almost the first time I’ve been partly vertical all day. A sore throat, fatigue and high temperature has me confined to barracks, but since I know this will pass, I just have to let the illness have its way with me.

And while that’s happening, between the orange juice and salt water gargling, there’s not much else I can do. Except compile a list or two: 

Good things about a minor illness:

You can watch golf all day without feeling like you’ve wasted your time. 

You can kick around in a manky pair of jogging pants and enjoy it. 

A day off work with absolute guiltlessness. 

The altered state that comes about from alternate hours spent sleeping and waking during the day - ‘Who am I? What day is it? Where am I?’

The bizarre light green furry growth that covers your tongue. Drag your tongue forwards across your two front teeth, and see the parallel tracks made in the sludge. No wonder that slice of bread tasted like cardboard. 

You know you’re going to get better, and you’ll feel fantastic when you do - the great moment when you wake up and realise the fever has passed and while you’re still ill, it’s plain sailing from here. 

Bad things about a minor illness:

Your hair hurts. Seriously - if I rub the top of my head gently, the skin aches. 

The alternating heat and chill you experience either sweatily sticks your legs together under the covers or has you reaching for your zero degree arctic sleeping bag (in early September in California).

You stand up briefly to make soup and your pulse rate rockets like you’re climbing Alp d’Huez.

You don’t have a Powerbook and Airport that would allow you to surf the net while tucked up in bed.

Or anyone to bring you chicken noodle soup and Lucozade in a big glass bottle with orange plastic around the neck of the bottle.

After two days of this, you’re so bored you look forward to getting back to work. You resort to the lowest form of journalism - the list - to meet your newsletter obligations.

(first published as a Modest Proposals newsletter, September 2000)

Posted in • Modest Proposals • Life